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And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.And Satan created McDonald's, and McDonald's brought forth the $3.20 double-cheeseburger, and Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?", and Man said, "Super size them."And Man gained pounds.And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt.And Woman gained pounds.And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese, and there was ice cream for dessert.And Woman gained pounds.And God said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."And Satan brought forth chicken- fried steak so big it needed its own platter.And Man gained pounds, and his cholesterol went through the roof.And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to work to change channels.And Man gained pounds.And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fat fried them. He created sour cream dip also, and Man clutched his remote control, and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.And Satan saw that and said, "It is good."And Man went into cardiac arrest.And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery…And Satan created private health insurance ….

Popularity: 1% [?]

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with. 6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again. 7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know. 10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. 11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case…" mysteriously. 12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. 13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.14. Light candles around your terminal before starting. 15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot." 16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. 17. "DISK FIGHT!!!" 18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. 20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required. 21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. 22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2" disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor. 23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those. 24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. 25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. 26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. 27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave. 28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. 29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. 30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. 31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working. 32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. 33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. 34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. 35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it. 36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. 37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. 38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. 39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.) 41. Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. 42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again. 43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. 44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger. 45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost. 46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out. 48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week". 50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

Popularity: 24% [?]

A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says,"Can I help? Have you lost something?""No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant onan accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone."

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***************************************************** CHRISTMAS PARTY*****************************************************FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 1RE: Christmas PartyI'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take placeon December 23, starting at noon, in the banquet room at Luigi's Open PitBarbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small bandplaying traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And, don't besurprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas treewill be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done atthat time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving ofgifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Aspecial announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!Merry Christmas to you and your family,Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 2RE: Holiday PartyIn no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincideswith Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now onwe're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employeeswho are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas treepresent. No, Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music foryour enjoyment. Happy now?Happy Holidays to you and your family,Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 3RE: Holiday PartyRegarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymousrequesting a non-drinking table … You didn't sign your name. I'm happyto accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,"AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handlethis? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange areallowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money andexecutives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 7RE: Holiday PartyWhat a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins theMuslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking duringdaylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how aluncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the endof the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else packageeverything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile,I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from thedessert buffet. Pregnant women will get the table closest to therestrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not haveto sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will beflower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person askingpermission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed, though. We will havebooster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for thoseon a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest forthose people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be freshfruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 8RE: Holiday PartySo, December 22 marks the Winter Solstice…? What do you expect me to do,a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit theburning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, butwe'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band'sbreaks. Okay???Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 9RE: HolidayParty People, people! Nothing sinister was intended by having our CEOdress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen tobe "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a redsuit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween, or familyfeuds over the thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also, the company has changed theirmind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will geta notification in the mail sent to your home.============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All #&$**@ EmployeesDATE: December 10RE: The #*&^@*^ Holiday PartyI have no #&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the #&^!@do I care…? I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change youraddress now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address willbe allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I willhave you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep thisparty at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you cansit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you soquaintly put it, and you'll get your #$^&*! salad bar. Includinghydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoesscream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing themscream right now! HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunkand die you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!The @%&*%$ from #*!@& !!!!!!!!============================================FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 14RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday PartyI'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recoveryfrom her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards toher at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancelour Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off withfull pay.Happy Holidays!

Popularity: 6% [?]